When my mobile buzzed on Sunday afternoon, I wasn’t
expecting to see the news that greeted me on the text. Wales manager Gary Speed had been found dead,
it was a shock.
Even more shocking was the circumstances in which the former
Leeds, Everton, Newcastle and Bolton midfielder had died. Although Speed was never one of ‘my players’,
he was a player who garnered respect even from opposition fans. Not flashy, just a good honest pro with no
little ability. The kind of player that
would give you a consistently great performance every week. He was a hero to so many, and his recent
Wales record had given a whole national cause for optimism. Gary Speed as Wales manager just seemed to
fit.
He was, on the surface, a person who had it all. The successful career, the money garnered
from his Premiership playing days, the gorgeous wife and kids, and a new
managerial career that was just taking off.
Yet, the perfect life wasn’t so much for Speed, he was obviously
suffering in silence, I’m not sure how else you could explain it.
It is so often the way for men in particular to suffer in
relative silence when something isn’t right.
Sometimes, the more successful you are, the harder it gets to admit to
such feelings. Often the loneliest place
to be is surrounded by friends and family, it becomes a battle within yourself
to try and balance the basic human need to be physically part of a group with a
feeling that you are better alone.
As someone who does suffer, it is an incident that makes you
think. The men in our lives are so often
our ‘heroes’ whether they want to be or not.
I think it is this basis which can make it so difficult for a man,
especially a man like Gary Speed, to seek help.
Our Dads, Granddads, Uncles, footballers, rugby players, businessmen,
firemen, soldiers, policemen all look and feel to us like heroes. I remember when I was in the primary school
playground ‘being Gary Lineker’ or ‘Frankie Bunn’, and my Dad could do anything
(though he wasn’t bigger than your dad obviously). Though I’m older than almost all of the
Oldham team these days, I can still be heard every Saturday praising another ‘hero’
on the pitch, it is ingrained.
Surrounded by that kind of pressure (loving pressure but pressure none
the less) it is not surprising that so many men find it difficult to admit they
can’t cope. Particularly when on the
surface they have no need for help.
Indeed, it is often suggested that we should just ‘pull ourselves
together’ or ‘get over it’. Often that
isn’t easy.
I met a psychologist once who told me that so often it is
the most successful people who are the most vunerable. I’m not suggesting that I am successful by
any means, but what the chap was trying to say was that often we create
circumstances where to ask for help with such a problem becomes impossible to
us.
So much of this is down to unhappiness with us, whatever the
material rewards have brought. Being
happy within ourselves and being true to ourselves is ultimately the best way
to be content with life. It sounds so
easy to say, but for so many people, men and women, it is a concept that the
pace of modern life will never ‘allow’ them to achieve.
So whatever really happened to Gary Speed I hope that it
will make all those other heroes out there realise that sometimes being happy
with ourselves is the biggest battle we face.
